demons

It feels as if lately the world has been out to get me. There is just a lingering thunder cloud looming over my life right now, and I do not know what to do about it. It's hard to even speak to anyone about it, I try to do it on my own- but it's killing me inside. I write in a journal, but my words feel trapped in there. I feel trapped in my own body. Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone out there who knows the real me, but there can't be. No one really knows anyone else, only you know who you truly are. That got deep way too fast, sorry. I'm just having a lot of trouble coming to terms with the situation that has found me, and finding a way to cope with it. No one knows my pain, because there is not a way for me to explain it exactly. I don't want to tell anyone what I'm going through, because I feel like they would not understand- I don't want the pity. There's no way for anyone to ever feel what I do exactly in this moment. My anxiety is with me 24/7. It never goes away. I might feel like it does, but any little thing gets me upset. I constantly am feeling betrayed by everyone around me. I'm paranoid, I feel like everyone knows something I don't. I'm scared they all think I'm dumb, that they all feel sorry for me. But how are they supposed to feel sorry for me, if they don't even take the time to find out who I really am? That makes me ask the question again, does anyone really know me? Does anyone? I don't want to be imagined as the stereotypical millennial who blames their anxiety for their actions. I have always had anxiety, I keep it a secret. In junior high, I would get nervous when it was lunchtime, because I was scared to eat in front of people. I didn't want people to think I was fat. All throughout high school, I managed to avoid NEVER going into the cafeteria line, because I was scared of all the people there. I tell everyone it was because I didn't like the food, but I was just scared. I'm scared of being alone at school if I don't have a friend, I feel like I constantly need someone else's presence to reassure my own. I get scared, but I don't let anyone know. On days where I can't find anyone, I sometimes would just leave school- so I wouldn't have to deal with an hour of not knowing what to do or where to go. This obviously makes me more susceptible to being more dependent on people than I should... I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am. I feel like from the outside, my image is of any normal college student. I have good grades, I want to go to law school, I have a job. What if everyone is feeling like this? I have been so good at hiding this for years, and my mask is crumbling. I let one person in, and while I don't regret it- I'm scared that I'm just too fragile to be dealt with roughly. I'm full of emotion that has been hiding for literal years. I throw myself into things to distract from the anxiety, but what do you do when your distraction unknowingly becomes a part of the cycle? I have to learn how to deal with this. I'm not healthy. I'm not motivated. I'm scared. I feel numb. I'm tired of crying.