to some distant war in the corners of your mind - home at last

I was about to try and go to sleep, but I have a very strong urge to write. I feel under extreme stress right now, and I am at a lost of what to do to make it better. I am having a hard time coping with the fact that I am not like other people my age. It hurts me. It is not that I want to be a clone, but it is so hard to try and relate. I am talking about party culture. It is something that has been going on for decades; generations of the disco, punk, grunge, etc...they all were a part of social outings. Why can't I join? Why can't I just sit down and enjoy the presence of other people? Like what happened to me that I just can't be social, I try so hard and it wears me down - it stresses me out, gives me anxiety. I really am crying in my bed right now, because all my friends and boyfriend are out having a good time - and I could never be like them. I can't handle it. It is not like they invite me, because at this point they know I'll never go. It is so hard for me to accept. I wish I had more of a reason for them, more of an excuse. I blame the anxiety, because that is all it really is. And it is easy for someone to tell me, "it's okay, I'm here for you" - but they don't know what its like. I could be in a room with people I know, and feel totally out of place. I get trapped inside of myself, and I forget to speak to people who I have known for years. It takes energy for me to even crack open a smile. Because it is MORE than just anxiety - I just don't know what. Sometimes I think it would be better for me if I cut off everyone, I don't think I was ever meant to expand my social wings. I wish I was exaggerating anything that I just wrote, but it is the cold truth. If it was something I was making up, I would not be crying in my bed right now. I would give anything to be out with my friends on Halloween weekend. I LOVE the idea of going out, having fun, and being with my friends. But I just can't do it...

the flash of a neon light that split the night

Recently within the past few days, I have had overwhelming emotions. This is normal for me if I am being honest, but they have been unusually intense. All I want more than anything is to explore the world, that is my dream. I could care less about how much money I have or the career I choose - I feel like none of it will ever actually mean anything. Logically, all of it matters - but we were given this Earth, to what? To count the money in our bank account? To give way to a routine in a job I don't care for? I am beginning to realize I could care less about the materialistic things in my life. Education? I can teach myself, I can read a book. By traveling I would learn more than I ever would in a classroom. I don't know.

I have found myself in a rough spot; I'm not sure how long I will be stuck here. I have been trying to convince myself that certain things shouldn't matter, but obviously as I am trying to convince myself I actually end up thinking about it- and let's just say I've been thinking way too much. You know when you just KNOW? That's how I feel. That's one of those intense emotions I have been feeling.

I also feel very alone. I don't have friends, like I thought I did. At the end of the day, when I just want to talk to someone...there is no one. My boyfriend goes out and spends time with friends, and I'm left alone. Wow, as I am writing the song Bridge Over Troubled Water is playing and...wow. Talk about coincidental. I wish there was a way for me to try and make friends. I don't know how to act, I get nervous and say weird things. I have been trying, God knows. I joined the damn history club at school. I try talking to people in classes, but I have so much trouble connecting with others. I don't want to sound annoying and like every other millennial, but I genuinely feel like I'm different. Wow, that was cringe to even type. But, I am serious. Even the weird indie people and goths have their groups. I used to fit in with my circle of friends, but I don't anymore. They left me behind, and I have gone in the opposite direction.

I am thinking of trying my hand at creative writing, but I think I need to be creative for that.

update

Today was a shit day, it really was. All I felt was incredibly stress, I was never able to sleep- I feel so exhausted. Now that I am home and washed up, I feel too anxious to sleep- hence, the reason for my blogging. Setbacks like today are what really get me down; I tried staying positive throughout the day, despite how much I just wanted to break down and cry. I am proud of myself that I haven't gotten to that point yet, but the night isn't over. I just want to clean my room, and relax...I don't know. Now that I am in this down mood, I'm so susceptible to just overthinking everything else. I'm too sad to write anymore, sorry.

demons

It feels as if lately the world has been out to get me. There is just a lingering thunder cloud looming over my life right now, and I do not know what to do about it. It's hard to even speak to anyone about it, I try to do it on my own- but it's killing me inside. I write in a journal, but my words feel trapped in there. I feel trapped in my own body. Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone out there who knows the real me, but there can't be. No one really knows anyone else, only you know who you truly are. That got deep way too fast, sorry. I'm just having a lot of trouble coming to terms with the situation that has found me, and finding a way to cope with it. No one knows my pain, because there is not a way for me to explain it exactly. I don't want to tell anyone what I'm going through, because I feel like they would not understand- I don't want the pity. There's no way for anyone to ever feel what I do exactly in this moment. My anxiety is with me 24/7. It never goes away. I might feel like it does, but any little thing gets me upset. I constantly am feeling betrayed by everyone around me. I'm paranoid, I feel like everyone knows something I don't. I'm scared they all think I'm dumb, that they all feel sorry for me. But how are they supposed to feel sorry for me, if they don't even take the time to find out who I really am? That makes me ask the question again, does anyone really know me? Does anyone? I don't want to be imagined as the stereotypical millennial who blames their anxiety for their actions. I have always had anxiety, I keep it a secret. In junior high, I would get nervous when it was lunchtime, because I was scared to eat in front of people. I didn't want people to think I was fat. All throughout high school, I managed to avoid NEVER going into the cafeteria line, because I was scared of all the people there. I tell everyone it was because I didn't like the food, but I was just scared. I'm scared of being alone at school if I don't have a friend, I feel like I constantly need someone else's presence to reassure my own. I get scared, but I don't let anyone know. On days where I can't find anyone, I sometimes would just leave school- so I wouldn't have to deal with an hour of not knowing what to do or where to go. This obviously makes me more susceptible to being more dependent on people than I should... I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am. I feel like from the outside, my image is of any normal college student. I have good grades, I want to go to law school, I have a job. What if everyone is feeling like this? I have been so good at hiding this for years, and my mask is crumbling. I let one person in, and while I don't regret it- I'm scared that I'm just too fragile to be dealt with roughly. I'm full of emotion that has been hiding for literal years. I throw myself into things to distract from the anxiety, but what do you do when your distraction unknowingly becomes a part of the cycle? I have to learn how to deal with this. I'm not healthy. I'm not motivated. I'm scared. I feel numb. I'm tired of crying.