like you were walking onto a yacht

 my life has been miserable and every single day feels like my mind is on fire. i hate always waiting to see if my life is going to be over or not the next day. i know i have always been sad, but i never felt as if i would act on it. y'know what i mean? but lately i feel like i could if i got desperate enough. this is so hard and i feel like even though i knew this would eventually happen i could never be ready for it. i could never feel prepared enough to feel like i will ever be okay again. cause i don't think i will. i already feel as if i am different. i feel like i'm a borderline alcoholic at this point because of how i am just trying to forget everything. 

i cant believe that were talking about him

 I think that I am doing better most days. Some days, I still feel so lost inside my own head. I wish I knew how to describe it diligently, but I cannot. It is like my brain goes on autopilot mode and spends days on this static-y channel that I can't change. Even on my best days, I feel like there is still this gloomy, eerie feeling creeping upon me. I hate that no matter what I do, I feel like he is still watching me. I want to forget everything about him - his face, his laugh, his touch. It disgusts me. It seems like the further time gets from him, the clearer the memories I have blocked out become. I hate that such a horrible human being has defiled me and my mind to this extent. I just don't know how to get away from my own thoughts. I can be at work, at the grocery store, in class - and some jarring memory will come up and I can't get out. I relive it over and over no matter how much I want to forget. All I want to do is forget. I want to forget everything, so much. I feel like no one understands how I feel. No one will ever know how bad it was. Ever. The panic I would feel if he grabbed my phone - I would slide it underneath the mattress so he couldn't find it. Or when he would get mad in the car, so i would crawl to the furtherest corner I possibly could so he couldn't hurt me, but would still pull me by the hair so hard it would rip small chunks out. He would bang my head against the window, then cry that I made him crazy - I was the one who made him do these things. Or when I would beg for him to leave me alone, I didn't want to be touched. He would still force himself onto me, and get upset when I would silently cry because it meant I didn't like it - which I didn't. I think I cried every single time. I know talking about these things makes people feel uncomfortable, but sometimes I just have to. I have to say it out loud so other people can tell me I'm okay. I need this constant reassurance that I am safe from him. Sometimes I wish that 18-wheeler had taken me that day, I remember standing outside my car and wondering why it just hadn't taken me. I really wanted it to. I would have done anything to get away from him, and I felt like no one could hear me. Once the relationship was over, suddenly it was as if everyone was like, "yeah, i always knew he was a piece of shit." But why didn't anyone help me? I get mad at everyone, because why would they leave me in that situation if they "knew." I know I shouldn't, but sometimes the pain feels so bad I can't even breathe. I can't imagine what I would have done if M hadn't saved me. I think I would have k-word myself if he hadn't talked to me that day. He was the first person to listen to me, and for that I am forever grateful - no matter what our friendship is now. 

The message I sent to M that night:

 basically he doesn't leave me alone, he's cheated on me and I've tried to leave so many times but he threatens me and follows me everywhere. and I don't talk about it with literally anyone, because it's embarrassing and he's friends with them too and I don't want to make him look bad either. but he's just consistently verbally abusive; for example, his favorite thing to call me is "piece of shit". He starts fights for everything and he's super jealous, like he grabs my phone and looks through it and any little thing he gets mad for. And when he gets mad sometimes I just kind of shut down because I get so scared and anxious, and that makes him so upset he starts pulling my hair and threatening to punch me or he'll just start biting me. Just a few weeks ago, I tried breaking up with him because I was so emotionally exhausted and he took my phone, threw me in my car, and took the keys to my car and he locked me in there with him and he wouldn't let me leave till I called my mom to tell her that I "cheated on him", which I never have. He got so mad that I wouldn't do it that he smashed the radio, and then said it was my fault because I wasn't doing as he said. At the funeral last week, he got upset that I didn't take him to go say hi to my friend who was in the front - which I realize was rude but I was super upset too and wasn't thinking straight and I apologized, but he made a huge scene in the parking lot and said that again, I was a piece of shit, and that I should've died instead. And I tried walking away, but he would just yell even louder and I didn't want to be disrespectful so I had to stay and listen to him. And I know he's cheated on me, and I tried leaving him for that and he had my coworker, who is his friend, lie to my face too - and he followed me until I would talk to him. And each time I try to leave he threatens to kill himself. He says that I completely ruined his life, and that I'm the reason he has bad grades and why he won't get into any law school. I do the boy's homework!! I write his freaking essays, because he won't stop bothering me until I do. If I don't help him, then he doesn't let me do my work. The only reason he gets good grades on stuff is because I do it for him - and I don't even take his freaking classes. He just has such a low gpa because he doesn't study and chooses to go downtown every weekend. Like each time I get stressed about something he gets mad because he says "you have a 4.0 you piece of shit you have nothing to worry about" - as if I didn't work for it. It's just so hard to leave, please don't make me feel stupid for it because I have tried everything. Absolutely everything. And it's made me really depressed, and idk I just need to talk about it because I never do because I don't want people to think I'm stupid for not being able to leave.

I only wish the best for M, because he once did the same for me. He listened to me when no one else did, and did his best to get me out of that situation. But I want to get away from C so badly. I want him to be deleted from my memory, to forget he ever existed. The smallest things will send me back to that corner of the truck, afraid for my life. When people yell, that fist thing people do when they're angry - even soccer jerseys, just send me into this void that is so difficult to get out of. The way he would swerve the car saying he would kill us both, driving us into a ditch, leaving me alone in another state - I hate that it feels as if it happened yesterday. I hate that he might even be reading this, because he once knew what this blog was. I hate that I still have probably so much blocked out, that I don't even realize. I don't want to remember anything else. I don't think I can handle it. I feel like no matter how much love and light is in my presence, he has done so much to hurt me and my innocence - it will never be enough. It quite literally feels like there is this darkness in my mind and heart that is inescapable. I want it fixed so bad. I love my life, I love Mason, my Hiccup, and my Cowboy - but I feel like he has robbed me of a normal life. I wish I could just rip it out of my mind and my soul. He ruined so many things for me. I feel as if I can't exist within my own head without his ever-lingering presence.  

u & i, forever wild

 i always think that i'm getting better or that i'm okay, but i still always end up here. i still always end up feeling this way. why does it always loom back. why does it feel like i am never good enough for anything. it hurts so much. 

it's just a cycle. i will feel fine in a few days, but soon enough it'll find its way back to me. i feel like i can't talk to anyone about it. i don't know how to open up like that, no one ever taught me. or maybe i used to be able to? and i just can't do it anymore. i think i've just trusted too many people who broke their promises to me, and now i don't know how to open up? even now, typing these words, i feel like i'm holding back. i can never tell if i'm being overdramatic or if this is a genuine mental health issue. i wish i could talk to someone about this. i'm tired of doing this alone. so tired. 

i ain't no fortunate son

 it's crazy how long it has been since i have written anything. i don't know if i deleted anything, because it was too sad. i can't remember. i don't really know what to say, i'm just so sleepy. i guess here is just a quick list of things that have changed since my last post. 

the list of things that have changed: 

• hiccup and cowboy
• new apartment
• living in san marcos
• living with mason
• lead tech
• currently sitting in my masters class
• pandemic 
• haven't eaten at a restaurant all year 
• gained weight
• best friends with aiza again

looking back on this list, it's actually kind of crazy how much has changed. it's weird to see it all in a little concise list. i'm sure that there is more that i have missed out on, or just forgot to type - but still. i should probably go back to listening in my class, but it is literally so boring. 

the feeling's gone, and i just can't get it back

it always comes back to this same feeling. i don't know why i can never stay happy, i feel like i always have to make myself sad. i do it to myself, and i don't know why. i don't think i like it. i don't enjoy crying to myself. but it just gets harder and harder to talk to people, and it's just so much easier to isolate myself. i can't understand why i do this, and why i've always done this. maybe it's just the routine of it all...i know what to expect once i start acting this way? i don't know

turn out the lights

i am not sure when i became such a cynical person, or have i always been like this? i don't know if it is just something that i've learned, perhaps as a coping mechanism? i can't stand to read motivational or inspirational words that people write on twitter or instagram. i don't see how those words can help me. i feel like such a dark person, and i can't even talk about it. i don't ever really tell anyone what i'm going through. i don't even talk to anyone really anymore. i spend a lot of time alone, and since i don't have school i have no distractions. i feel like such a failure, and like i'm not worth anything. i haven't done anything to make myself a better person, and i wish i was the type of person to do something of substance. i know that i can if i tried, but i can't bring myself to do it. i feel so broken inside, and to just try and make it through one day is absolutely exhausting.

she lifted up her wings

I was looking at a post I made earlier this month where I listed things I would like to do...and I am proud to say I have accomplished 3 of the 4 things on the list! I have read three books so far this month (soon to be four), I have written more, and I have found more comfort in being alone. I did not realize that I had done so much already, and I feel so happy knowing what I have accomplished. I just wanted to document it. I still feel lost a little, actually a lot. But I am in such a better place than I was last month, and hopefully things only get better from here. I graduate in two weeks, and then I am not sure what I will be doing after that....but oh well.

As for boys, oof. I am still so lost and confused. I feel differently about a different boy each day, but I always go back to the same one. I hope he talks to me soon. One of the books that I have read, The Light We Lost, was a very One Day-esque type of novel and I absolutely loved it. But it broke my heart into  a million little pieces. It is just so sad to me how two people can so obviously be meant for one another, but never have the chance to truly be together because life just does not allow for it. And it just reminded me of this one person, and I know that things will never be that grand in my life. But I would like to imagine that one day, maybe, we have our time together. Even if it comes to an end, I would like more time.

This was just a small little update post.