i ain't no fortunate son

 it's crazy how long it has been since i have written anything. i don't know if i deleted anything, because it was too sad. i can't remember. i don't really know what to say, i'm just so sleepy. i guess here is just a quick list of things that have changed since my last post. 

the list of things that have changed: 

• hiccup and cowboy
• new apartment
• living in san marcos
• living with mason
• lead tech
• currently sitting in my masters class
• pandemic 
• haven't eaten at a restaurant all year 
• gained weight
• best friends with aiza again

looking back on this list, it's actually kind of crazy how much has changed. it's weird to see it all in a little concise list. i'm sure that there is more that i have missed out on, or just forgot to type - but still. i should probably go back to listening in my class, but it is literally so boring. 

the feeling's gone, and i just can't get it back

it always comes back to this same feeling. i don't know why i can never stay happy, i feel like i always have to make myself sad. i do it to myself, and i don't know why. i don't think i like it. i don't enjoy crying to myself. but it just gets harder and harder to talk to people, and it's just so much easier to isolate myself. i can't understand why i do this, and why i've always done this. maybe it's just the routine of it all...i know what to expect once i start acting this way? i don't know

turn out the lights

i am not sure when i became such a cynical person, or have i always been like this? i don't know if it is just something that i've learned, perhaps as a coping mechanism? i can't stand to read motivational or inspirational words that people write on twitter or instagram. i don't see how those words can help me. i feel like such a dark person, and i can't even talk about it. i don't ever really tell anyone what i'm going through. i don't even talk to anyone really anymore. i spend a lot of time alone, and since i don't have school i have no distractions. i feel like such a failure, and like i'm not worth anything. i haven't done anything to make myself a better person, and i wish i was the type of person to do something of substance. i know that i can if i tried, but i can't bring myself to do it. i feel so broken inside, and to just try and make it through one day is absolutely exhausting.

she lifted up her wings

I was looking at a post I made earlier this month where I listed things I would like to do...and I am proud to say I have accomplished 3 of the 4 things on the list! I have read three books so far this month (soon to be four), I have written more, and I have found more comfort in being alone. I did not realize that I had done so much already, and I feel so happy knowing what I have accomplished. I just wanted to document it. I still feel lost a little, actually a lot. But I am in such a better place than I was last month, and hopefully things only get better from here. I graduate in two weeks, and then I am not sure what I will be doing after that....but oh well.

As for boys, oof. I am still so lost and confused. I feel differently about a different boy each day, but I always go back to the same one. I hope he talks to me soon. One of the books that I have read, The Light We Lost, was a very One Day-esque type of novel and I absolutely loved it. But it broke my heart into  a million little pieces. It is just so sad to me how two people can so obviously be meant for one another, but never have the chance to truly be together because life just does not allow for it. And it just reminded me of this one person, and I know that things will never be that grand in my life. But I would like to imagine that one day, maybe, we have our time together. Even if it comes to an end, I would like more time.

This was just a small little update post.

she'll pity the men i know

from a literary standpoint, my life should have already had an upward arch of a miracle by now considering my consistent bad luck. if young adult novels have any sort of truth to them, then something good should be happening to me soon...right? but alas, i continue on this downward spiral. but i have been trying to better myself. i cleaned my room, read a book, went running. i'm going to start taking my vitamins, considering my iron deficiency.

i am thinking about maybe telling someone about this blog. i just don't know if i should, i have had this a secret for more than two years. i am scared for someone to read all these thoughts. maybe they're too personal for my real life. it's something that i have to think about a little more. also i know my writing is not good, and it is a little embarrassing.

outta my head

i knew. i knew already what my mom was going to say. i had seen the stacks of mail from the oncology clinic piling up on the counter. i had caught her wiping away silent tears in the last few weeks when she thought no one was looking. i wish i had been less observant...just so i could have had a little more time to spend wading in my ignorance. i had prepared myself for this. so when she asked me to come out to the patio to talk, i was ready.

it was around nine'o'clock at night. i had always been grateful to live on a ranch, the silence at night was something that one could not find in a city. but i would have given anything to hear the honks of angry cars or for there to be soft sounds of a television playing from a neighbor's living room on that night. i sat on the rotting picnic table, jailed by the silence of the ranch. i looked at my mom, she stood by the table. she paced back and forth, there was an anxious energy to her as she stumbled to try and find her words, and i did not bother to try and help her find them. her fingers stayed on her necklace as she zipped the charm back and forth across her neck. it made me dizzy. i looked at the sky, trying to find the big dipper. i thought of how many stars there were up there, and what would happen if one just came crashing down from wherever it was lightyears away. hoping that those hot, fiery gassed flames could somehow find me within the next thirty seconds, so that way i would never have to hear whatever words were about to come out of mom's mouth. but sadly, that just isn't reasonable. but with news as what i believed she was going to tell me, would anything ever be reasonable again after this?

she opened her mouth, and began to speak.

three nights at the motel

i keep thinking about his tattoos. when i used to stare at them through the small creeping light that came through the window, i would think about someone else. the flowers on his back reminded me of the flowers i used to see on someone else's chest. i would trace the scar on his back, and close my eyes and think of that other person. i was confused. there was an awareness of the person in front of me, but i missed the way things used to be...the other person who would lay where he was now. i would think of him in those early morning hours. never at night, no. i would not think of him at night. but, when i would wake up...i could only think of him and what he could be doing. 

but now i don't have anyone. 

and i can't tell who i miss more. before, it was one feeling of heartbreak. but now i deal with two.