I have been feeling like I am in such a rut. I don't know how to get out of it, I don't know what to do. I am so tired of feeling the same things over and over. I am getting bad again. I haven't felt this way in a while. And I feel like I have no one to talk to. I don't think anyone knows how sad I am. I know I am depressed. But I don't want anyone to know, I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. Having two parents with cancer suck. Disliking yourself sucks. Missing someone sucks. Life just sucks.
I wonder what people like to write about. Like writing, good writing I would argue, comes from the heart. Am I right? But, what I write here...those are just my thoughts. It doesn't come from my heart, but then it does. It comes from a confused place, that isn't my heart. Is it? I don't know. Wow, I guess I am a little dumb. Is this even good writing? No, what I write is a stream of consciousness. That's why it doesn't flow. BUT, one could argue it does flow. I am writing how I think. Which is a blessing and a curse simultaneously.
Every time I come back here and I look at my old posts, I see how tailored they were. They were so tailored to one person in particular, so I wouldn't get hit for writing something bad. I used to be so manipulated and scared. I didn't even want to see anyone in the library or make accidental eye contact in fear of getting my head smashed against the window in the car. I think I am over that, but then sometimes I remember. I remembered today. And I have been off all day because of it. It's weird, because I know that I am no longer in that situation anymore and that I am safe. But, there is still something inside of me that tells me I need to be careful. I still feel the need to tippy-toe around people.
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