To think it has been so long since I last posted on here...
I haven't looked at what I last wrote about, but to be honest I don't think I will read it even after I finish writing this. Just kidding, of course I will. I love to torture myself, what can I say. Every time I come on here I always hope that I will have something better to say than the last, but we all know that is not true. I am doomed to a life of misery, but that is okay. I think I've gotten used to it by now.
Still working in a pharmacy, still haven't finished my degree. When I say my life sucks, like it really really sucks. I don't know what it is about the last year or so, but I just have felt so awful about myself. It is physically so hard to get myself to do anything. I mean this blog is just one example, I was too depressed to even talk about being depressed? It feels kind of good to type this out though. I always like just typing my thoughts as they come. I wish THAT could be a profession. I mean, it is, but I am just not good enough for that y'know. Like let's be real for a moment, even though I love to write I am not a professional by any means. I am not even a professional historian. The only thing I am is a professional failure. Yes, I am saying that with my chest. I don't care how cringe it is, it's true.
Anyways, the only reason I have the energy to write on here in the first place is because I took a focus pill. I was going to use it to do my actual work, like my literal thesis? But I don't even know where to begin. I have no focus, no money, no decent job prospects. I feel like I am just constantly cycling around the fact that I am so useless. I always feel like a waste of space. I can feel the disappointment of everyone around me. It feels like it just seeps into my pores, trickles into my bloodstream, and plagues my mind all day. The crazy thing is I feel so capable, but I'm just stuck. I feel like I've been paralyzed ever since 2021. I miss who I used to be. I don't know who I am anymore, and I think that's why it has been so hard for me to even finish my degree. I had always held myself to this higher standard, and when I couldn't reach it - it was like the floor just fell out from under me.
I wish I was a kid again. I miss using my tiny closet as a panic room, the glow in the dark stars I hid under the shelf. I miss the big orange tub I would stuff all my plushies in. I miss the dogs, the horses. even Ruby. Such a cliche to say that I didn't realize how simple life was back then, but it's true. Even in my darkest childhood moments, there is just some comfort there that I will never find again.
I wish I could just disappear into a Montana forest, a canyon in Arizona, a glacier in Alaska. Somewhere where my life didn't seem so loud, so ominous. I wish I was a book.
