I think that I am doing better most days. Some days, I still feel so lost inside my own head. I wish I knew how to describe it diligently, but I cannot. It is like my brain goes on autopilot mode and spends days on this static-y channel that I can't change. Even on my best days, I feel like there is still this gloomy, eerie feeling creeping upon me. I hate that no matter what I do, I feel like he is still watching me. I want to forget everything about him - his face, his laugh, his touch. It disgusts me. It seems like the further time gets from him, the clearer the memories I have blocked out become. I hate that such a horrible human being has defiled me and my mind to this extent. I just don't know how to get away from my own thoughts. I can be at work, at the grocery store, in class - and some jarring memory will come up and I can't get out. I relive it over and over no matter how much I want to forget. All I want to do is forget. I want to forget everything, so much. I feel like no one understands how I feel. No one will ever know how bad it was. Ever. The panic I would feel if he grabbed my phone - I would slide it underneath the mattress so he couldn't find it. Or when he would get mad in the car, so i would crawl to the furtherest corner I possibly could so he couldn't hurt me, but would still pull me by the hair so hard it would rip small chunks out. He would bang my head against the window, then cry that I made him crazy - I was the one who made him do these things. Or when I would beg for him to leave me alone, I didn't want to be touched. He would still force himself onto me, and get upset when I would silently cry because it meant I didn't like it - which I didn't. I think I cried every single time. I know talking about these things makes people feel uncomfortable, but sometimes I just have to. I have to say it out loud so other people can tell me I'm okay. I need this constant reassurance that I am safe from him. Sometimes I wish that 18-wheeler had taken me that day, I remember standing outside my car and wondering why it just hadn't taken me. I really wanted it to. I would have done anything to get away from him, and I felt like no one could hear me. Once the relationship was over, suddenly it was as if everyone was like, "yeah, i always knew he was a piece of shit." But why didn't anyone help me? I get mad at everyone, because why would they leave me in that situation if they "knew." I know I shouldn't, but sometimes the pain feels so bad I can't even breathe. I can't imagine what I would have done if M hadn't saved me. I think I would have k-word myself if he hadn't talked to me that day. He was the first person to listen to me, and for that I am forever grateful - no matter what our friendship is now.
The message I sent to M that night:
basically he doesn't leave me alone, he's cheated on me and I've tried to leave so many times but he threatens me and follows me everywhere. and I don't talk about it with literally anyone, because it's embarrassing and he's friends with them too and I don't want to make him look bad either. but he's just consistently verbally abusive; for example, his favorite thing to call me is "piece of shit". He starts fights for everything and he's super jealous, like he grabs my phone and looks through it and any little thing he gets mad for. And when he gets mad sometimes I just kind of shut down because I get so scared and anxious, and that makes him so upset he starts pulling my hair and threatening to punch me or he'll just start biting me. Just a few weeks ago, I tried breaking up with him because I was so emotionally exhausted and he took my phone, threw me in my car, and took the keys to my car and he locked me in there with him and he wouldn't let me leave till I called my mom to tell her that I "cheated on him", which I never have. He got so mad that I wouldn't do it that he smashed the radio, and then said it was my fault because I wasn't doing as he said. At the funeral last week, he got upset that I didn't take him to go say hi to my friend who was in the front - which I realize was rude but I was super upset too and wasn't thinking straight and I apologized, but he made a huge scene in the parking lot and said that again, I was a piece of shit, and that I should've died instead. And I tried walking away, but he would just yell even louder and I didn't want to be disrespectful so I had to stay and listen to him. And I know he's cheated on me, and I tried leaving him for that and he had my coworker, who is his friend, lie to my face too - and he followed me until I would talk to him. And each time I try to leave he threatens to kill himself. He says that I completely ruined his life, and that I'm the reason he has bad grades and why he won't get into any law school. I do the boy's homework!! I write his freaking essays, because he won't stop bothering me until I do. If I don't help him, then he doesn't let me do my work. The only reason he gets good grades on stuff is because I do it for him - and I don't even take his freaking classes. He just has such a low gpa because he doesn't study and chooses to go downtown every weekend. Like each time I get stressed about something he gets mad because he says "you have a 4.0 you piece of shit you have nothing to worry about" - as if I didn't work for it. It's just so hard to leave, please don't make me feel stupid for it because I have tried everything. Absolutely everything. And it's made me really depressed, and idk I just need to talk about it because I never do because I don't want people to think I'm stupid for not being able to leave.
I only wish the best for M, because he once did the same for me. He listened to me when no one else did, and did his best to get me out of that situation. But I want to get away from C so badly. I want him to be deleted from my memory, to forget he ever existed. The smallest things will send me back to that corner of the truck, afraid for my life. When people yell, that fist thing people do when they're angry - even soccer jerseys, just send me into this void that is so difficult to get out of. The way he would swerve the car saying he would kill us both, driving us into a ditch, leaving me alone in another state - I hate that it feels as if it happened yesterday. I hate that he might even be reading this, because he once knew what this blog was. I hate that I still have probably so much blocked out, that I don't even realize. I don't want to remember anything else. I don't think I can handle it. I feel like no matter how much love and light is in my presence, he has done so much to hurt me and my innocence - it will never be enough. It quite literally feels like there is this darkness in my mind and heart that is inescapable. I want it fixed so bad. I love my life, I love Mason, my Hiccup, and my Cowboy - but I feel like he has robbed me of a normal life. I wish I could just rip it out of my mind and my soul. He ruined so many things for me. I feel as if I can't exist within my own head without his ever-lingering presence.
