to some distant war in the corners of your mind - home at last

I was about to try and go to sleep, but I have a very strong urge to write. I feel under extreme stress right now, and I am at a lost of what to do to make it better. I am having a hard time coping with the fact that I am not like other people my age. It hurts me. It is not that I want to be a clone, but it is so hard to try and relate. I am talking about party culture. It is something that has been going on for decades; generations of the disco, punk, grunge, etc...they all were a part of social outings. Why can't I join? Why can't I just sit down and enjoy the presence of other people? Like what happened to me that I just can't be social, I try so hard and it wears me down - it stresses me out, gives me anxiety. I really am crying in my bed right now, because all my friends and boyfriend are out having a good time - and I could never be like them. I can't handle it. It is not like they invite me, because at this point they know I'll never go. It is so hard for me to accept. I wish I had more of a reason for them, more of an excuse. I blame the anxiety, because that is all it really is. And it is easy for someone to tell me, "it's okay, I'm here for you" - but they don't know what its like. I could be in a room with people I know, and feel totally out of place. I get trapped inside of myself, and I forget to speak to people who I have known for years. It takes energy for me to even crack open a smile. Because it is MORE than just anxiety - I just don't know what. Sometimes I think it would be better for me if I cut off everyone, I don't think I was ever meant to expand my social wings. I wish I was exaggerating anything that I just wrote, but it is the cold truth. If it was something I was making up, I would not be crying in my bed right now. I would give anything to be out with my friends on Halloween weekend. I LOVE the idea of going out, having fun, and being with my friends. But I just can't do it...