the man on the hill

 I get why the biggest names in literature were alcoholics. I mean, I think the majority of people know why - but I feel it. Nearly every time I have come to write something on this blog, I've had a drink or two. Tonight, it was a few glasses of wine and a Twisted Tea. I haven't had a drink in a few weeks though, so it's hitting a little harder than it normally would.    

I reread all the blog posts. It's so clear to me now how unhappy I was, arguably still am. Reading all those posts, I can't tell if me forgetting so much of these memories is a good thing or a bad thing. Did I heal or did I not? I think I just blocked it all out. It probably isn't the best idea to reread it all, especially the C things. It's been so long, you think it would be okay by now. Everything I said though remains true though. I forgot so much of what he did. He used to hit me so much. I thought my other relationships had healed that, but I hadn't realized how much of a wall I have built around myself since then. I don't want this anymore. I'm tired. I don't like being distrusting, because I don't have the heart for it. Does this make sense? 

Chat, am I ever going to figure this life out?

just living that life

it is a wounded feeling to miss you. it has been a year and it's a hard truth to accept. i still constantly wonder if you miss me in the slightest. i think i know what the answer is, and i wish i was okay with it. 

i've been dreaming up all these different scenarios in my head. what would i do if you apologized 

the answer to that is only hurtful to me

i miss you, but i know you never even listened to me enough to remember this blog existed. 

i have always been a storm

 To think it has been so long since I last posted on here...

I haven't looked at what I last wrote about, but to be honest I don't think I will read it even after I finish writing this. Just kidding, of course I will. I love to torture myself, what can I say. Every time I come on here I always hope that I will have something better to say than the last, but we all know that is not true. I am doomed to a life of misery, but that is okay. I think I've gotten used to it by now. 

Still working in a pharmacy, still haven't finished my degree. When I say my life sucks, like it really really sucks. I don't know what it is about the last year or so, but I just have felt so awful about myself. It is physically so hard to get myself to do anything. I mean this blog is just one example, I was too depressed to even talk about being depressed? It feels kind of good to type this out though. I always like just typing my thoughts as they come. I wish THAT could be a profession. I mean, it is, but I am just not good enough for that y'know. Like let's be real for a moment, even though I love to write I am not a professional by any means. I am not even a professional historian. The only thing I am is a professional failure. Yes, I am saying that with my chest. I don't care how cringe it is, it's true. 

Anyways, the only reason I have the energy to write on here in the first place is because I took a focus pill. I was going to use it to do my actual work, like my literal thesis? But I don't even know where to begin. I have no focus, no money, no decent job prospects. I feel like I am just constantly cycling around the fact that I am so useless. I always feel like a waste of space. I can feel the disappointment of everyone around me. It feels like it just seeps into my pores, trickles into my bloodstream, and plagues my mind all day. The crazy thing is I feel so capable, but I'm just stuck. I feel like I've been paralyzed ever since 2021. I miss who I used to be. I don't know who I am anymore, and I think that's why it has been so hard for me to even finish my degree. I had always held myself to this higher standard, and when I couldn't reach it - it was like the floor just fell out from under me. 

I wish I was a kid again. I miss using my tiny closet as a panic room, the glow in the dark stars I hid under the shelf. I miss the big orange tub I would stuff all my plushies in. I miss the dogs, the horses. even Ruby. Such a cliche to say that I didn't realize how simple life was back then, but it's true. Even in my darkest childhood moments, there is just some comfort there that I will never find again. 

I wish I could just disappear into a Montana forest, a canyon in Arizona, a glacier in Alaska. Somewhere where my life didn't seem so loud, so ominous. I wish I was a book. 

like you were walking onto a yacht

 my life has been miserable and every single day feels like my mind is on fire. i hate always waiting to see if my life is going to be over or not the next day. i know i have always been sad, but i never felt as if i would act on it. y'know what i mean? but lately i feel like i could if i got desperate enough. this is so hard and i feel like even though i knew this would eventually happen i could never be ready for it. i could never feel prepared enough to feel like i will ever be okay again. cause i don't think i will. i already feel as if i am different. i feel like i'm a borderline alcoholic at this point because of how i am just trying to forget everything. 

i cant believe that were talking about him

 I think that I am doing better most days. Some days, I still feel so lost inside my own head. I wish I knew how to describe it diligently, but I cannot. It is like my brain goes on autopilot mode and spends days on this static-y channel that I can't change. Even on my best days, I feel like there is still this gloomy, eerie feeling creeping upon me. I hate that no matter what I do, I feel like he is still watching me. I want to forget everything about him - his face, his laugh, his touch. It disgusts me. It seems like the further time gets from him, the clearer the memories I have blocked out become. I hate that such a horrible human being has defiled me and my mind to this extent. I just don't know how to get away from my own thoughts. I can be at work, at the grocery store, in class - and some jarring memory will come up and I can't get out. I relive it over and over no matter how much I want to forget. All I want to do is forget. I want to forget everything, so much. I feel like no one understands how I feel. No one will ever know how bad it was. Ever. The panic I would feel if he grabbed my phone - I would slide it underneath the mattress so he couldn't find it. Or when he would get mad in the car, so i would crawl to the furtherest corner I possibly could so he couldn't hurt me, but would still pull me by the hair so hard it would rip small chunks out. He would bang my head against the window, then cry that I made him crazy - I was the one who made him do these things. Or when I would beg for him to leave me alone, I didn't want to be touched. He would still force himself onto me, and get upset when I would silently cry because it meant I didn't like it - which I didn't. I think I cried every single time. I know talking about these things makes people feel uncomfortable, but sometimes I just have to. I have to say it out loud so other people can tell me I'm okay. I need this constant reassurance that I am safe from him. Sometimes I wish that 18-wheeler had taken me that day, I remember standing outside my car and wondering why it just hadn't taken me. I really wanted it to. I would have done anything to get away from him, and I felt like no one could hear me. Once the relationship was over, suddenly it was as if everyone was like, "yeah, i always knew he was a piece of shit." But why didn't anyone help me? I get mad at everyone, because why would they leave me in that situation if they "knew." I know I shouldn't, but sometimes the pain feels so bad I can't even breathe. I can't imagine what I would have done if M hadn't saved me. I think I would have k-word myself if he hadn't talked to me that day. He was the first person to listen to me, and for that I am forever grateful - no matter what our friendship is now. 

The message I sent to M that night:

 basically he doesn't leave me alone, he's cheated on me and I've tried to leave so many times but he threatens me and follows me everywhere. and I don't talk about it with literally anyone, because it's embarrassing and he's friends with them too and I don't want to make him look bad either. but he's just consistently verbally abusive; for example, his favorite thing to call me is "piece of shit". He starts fights for everything and he's super jealous, like he grabs my phone and looks through it and any little thing he gets mad for. And when he gets mad sometimes I just kind of shut down because I get so scared and anxious, and that makes him so upset he starts pulling my hair and threatening to punch me or he'll just start biting me. Just a few weeks ago, I tried breaking up with him because I was so emotionally exhausted and he took my phone, threw me in my car, and took the keys to my car and he locked me in there with him and he wouldn't let me leave till I called my mom to tell her that I "cheated on him", which I never have. He got so mad that I wouldn't do it that he smashed the radio, and then said it was my fault because I wasn't doing as he said. At the funeral last week, he got upset that I didn't take him to go say hi to my friend who was in the front - which I realize was rude but I was super upset too and wasn't thinking straight and I apologized, but he made a huge scene in the parking lot and said that again, I was a piece of shit, and that I should've died instead. And I tried walking away, but he would just yell even louder and I didn't want to be disrespectful so I had to stay and listen to him. And I know he's cheated on me, and I tried leaving him for that and he had my coworker, who is his friend, lie to my face too - and he followed me until I would talk to him. And each time I try to leave he threatens to kill himself. He says that I completely ruined his life, and that I'm the reason he has bad grades and why he won't get into any law school. I do the boy's homework!! I write his freaking essays, because he won't stop bothering me until I do. If I don't help him, then he doesn't let me do my work. The only reason he gets good grades on stuff is because I do it for him - and I don't even take his freaking classes. He just has such a low gpa because he doesn't study and chooses to go downtown every weekend. Like each time I get stressed about something he gets mad because he says "you have a 4.0 you piece of shit you have nothing to worry about" - as if I didn't work for it. It's just so hard to leave, please don't make me feel stupid for it because I have tried everything. Absolutely everything. And it's made me really depressed, and idk I just need to talk about it because I never do because I don't want people to think I'm stupid for not being able to leave.

I only wish the best for M, because he once did the same for me. He listened to me when no one else did, and did his best to get me out of that situation. But I want to get away from C so badly. I want him to be deleted from my memory, to forget he ever existed. The smallest things will send me back to that corner of the truck, afraid for my life. When people yell, that fist thing people do when they're angry - even soccer jerseys, just send me into this void that is so difficult to get out of. The way he would swerve the car saying he would kill us both, driving us into a ditch, leaving me alone in another state - I hate that it feels as if it happened yesterday. I hate that he might even be reading this, because he once knew what this blog was. I hate that I still have probably so much blocked out, that I don't even realize. I don't want to remember anything else. I don't think I can handle it. I feel like no matter how much love and light is in my presence, he has done so much to hurt me and my innocence - it will never be enough. It quite literally feels like there is this darkness in my mind and heart that is inescapable. I want it fixed so bad. I love my life, I love Mason, my Hiccup, and my Cowboy - but I feel like he has robbed me of a normal life. I wish I could just rip it out of my mind and my soul. He ruined so many things for me. I feel as if I can't exist within my own head without his ever-lingering presence.  

u & i, forever wild

 i always think that i'm getting better or that i'm okay, but i still always end up here. i still always end up feeling this way. why does it always loom back. why does it feel like i am never good enough for anything. it hurts so much. 

it's just a cycle. i will feel fine in a few days, but soon enough it'll find its way back to me. i feel like i can't talk to anyone about it. i don't know how to open up like that, no one ever taught me. or maybe i used to be able to? and i just can't do it anymore. i think i've just trusted too many people who broke their promises to me, and now i don't know how to open up? even now, typing these words, i feel like i'm holding back. i can never tell if i'm being overdramatic or if this is a genuine mental health issue. i wish i could talk to someone about this. i'm tired of doing this alone. so tired. 

i ain't no fortunate son

 it's crazy how long it has been since i have written anything. i don't know if i deleted anything, because it was too sad. i can't remember. i don't really know what to say, i'm just so sleepy. i guess here is just a quick list of things that have changed since my last post. 

the list of things that have changed: 

• hiccup and cowboy
• new apartment
• living in san marcos
• living with mason
• lead tech
• currently sitting in my masters class
• pandemic 
• haven't eaten at a restaurant all year 
• gained weight
• best friends with aiza again

looking back on this list, it's actually kind of crazy how much has changed. it's weird to see it all in a little concise list. i'm sure that there is more that i have missed out on, or just forgot to type - but still. i should probably go back to listening in my class, but it is literally so boring.